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Infliction
Chapter Eleven – Endings & Beginnings
The blush of first light was
seeping through the bedroom curtains when Sara awoke. Lying on her side, she
sadly watched him as he slept; his breathing slow and measured, caressing her
cheek and breaking her heart.
Eventually, she cautiously
extracted herself from the bed, careful not to wake him. Like a shadow, she
moved into the living room and stationed herself at her desk.
A new sheet of paper on the blotter
in front of her and the black pen she favored between finger and thumb, she
paused to find the words. Her earlier, pathetic attempt at a letter was now
inadequate, as it in truth always had been. But now, she had complicated
matters further. Now, she knew she couldn’t leave him with a simple apology and
a measured goodbye.
Taking a deep breath, she
began to write.
---
The hot desert sun was higher
in the sky when he awoke in an empty bed. He knew he was alone, even before he
sat up and looked around the room. She was already gone…
Her pillow smell faintly of
her shampoo, and he buried his face in it, absorbing her scent.
She
was gone…
Sitting up properly, he
noticed a creamy envelope – nice but inexpensive stationary – propped up
against the bedside lamp. With shaking hands, he reached for it.
He had never received a Dear
John letter before. And despite his insecurities going into his relationship
with Sara, he had never expected to receive one from her.
Struggling to regard the
letter as a piece of evidence from which he could remain emotionally
unaffected, rather than as a weapon capable of his fatal wounding, he tore open
the envelope and unfolded the fearsome missive within.
His heart ached at the sight
of her familiar scrawling penmanship. It was obvious that she had tried to
force her handwriting into a neater than usual configuration of letters, just
as she had often tried to force her unruly hair into smooth locks in the past.
Dear
Grissom,
It’s
strange that after working by your side for more than five years and being in a
relationship with you these past months, Grissom is still the only name for you
that comes naturally to me. It is the name that comforts me when I awake from a
nightmare or when I’m feeling raw and vulnerable at work. It’s the name that
comforts me now, as I drive away from Vegas and out of your life. You are the
constant in my life, Grissom. Even in the past, when things between us unraveled,
you were still my safe port in the storm. The one person in this world I knew I
could turn to if I really needed to.
Which
is why leaving you now, just when I possibly need you the most, breaks my
heart.
I need
for you to know and to understand my reasons for going. As I’ve already told
you, the current situation in Vegas has become untenable – Jill’s victory over
me would be complete if I remained there to see the remnants of my career fall
down around me. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been cleared of wrong-doing. Even
without Jill’s accusations and the damage being done to my reputation, I’m
becoming reckless, self-destructive. In the end, if I stayed, I would probably
be the one to destroy my own career. And even that, at this stage, would not be
the worst thing that could happen.
No
matter your arguments to the contrary, I would never forgive myself if I
contributed to the destruction of your career. Deny it all you like, Griss, but
we both know how important your job is to you. You’ve worked for it your entire
life and I will not let my past, or my current destructive behavior, risk all
that for you. Ecklie may not be right about much, but he was right about one
thing - I don’t think you’d ever forgive me.
However,
that is not the only reason for me leaving. I have a past that I have never
fully dealt with. And as much as I would like to remain in Vegas and bury my
head in the ample amounts of sand the desert provides, I know that I will never
be free of my past unless I finally lay it to rest.
Someone
once said “Only the one that inflicts the pain can take it
away.” My curse in life has always been
that the man who inflicted so much pain on me and my family is no longer alive,
and so can never be brought to justice. For years I hated my Mother for taking
that away from me. I felt that my Father escaped justice in death, thus making
the terror he inflicted upon us live on forever. Part of me still feels that
way.
You
told me that I don’t run away, but in truth I’ve been doing just that for the
past 21 years of my life. I ran away from my past and tried never to look back.
I sought salvation in education, in science, in a career that allowed me to
exorcise my own demons in finding justice for others. And it has helped. But it
has never been enough.
I need
to go back, Griss. I need to face my past so that it no longer has any hold
over me. It’s the only way I can move forward with my life. It’s the only way I
can have a future with you.
I’m
not leaving forever, I promise you that. My leaving
But in
order to have that, I have to do this. I need to leave, to distance myself from
what has happened in Vegas and face the ghosts of my past. And then, when I’m
ready, I will come home to you. I just hope that you will still be waiting for
me when I get there. Will you?
Please
tell the others that I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye. Let them know that I will
miss them.
Please
forgive me for leaving you this way. If I waited until you woke up, I don’t
honestly think I would have been able to go. And I had to. Please understand. I
promise that I’ll contact you when I’m ready to talk.
I will
love you forever,
Sara.
Emotionally spent, Grissom
leaned back against the headboard and felt the tears sting his eyes.
---
A black cloud came into the
lab with Grissom that night. The others knew Sara had truly gone without
needing to ask. Even Catherine was unsure of how to broach the subject with her
old friend. Surprisingly, at the beginning of assignments, she found she didn’t
have to.
“I’m sure you’re all aware by
now that Sara has taken a leave of absence from the lab and has left town for a
time.”
It took a moment for anyone to
pluck up the courage to speak. In the end, it was Nick. “When will she be
back?”
“I don’t know,” Grissom
replied, not meeting anyone’s eyes. “She, uh… she apologizes for not saying
goodbye in person and asked me to tell you that she will miss you all.”
He aimlessly stood there for a
moment, assignment slips in his hands, utterly at a loss for what to do next.
Finally, he handed the slips to Catherine.
“You’re in charge tonight,” he
told her, before he turned on his heal and headed for his office.
He shut the door behind him
and slunk into the sterile silence of his private domain. Reaching into his
pocket, he drew out the creamy paper of her letter. Holding it before him on
the desk, he ran his fingers across her words, as though he could absorb them
into his skin.
A profound sense of loneliness
settled over him. He had always been a solitary man, living only for his work,
his bugs, his privacy. But now she had spoilt the
inner peace he found when he was alone. He missed her more dearly than a limb,
mourning the lack of her joyful presence in his once dreary world. And now that
she was gone from it, his life seemed that much darker and unwelcoming.
Part of his soul clung to her
promise - that she would return. If that was true,
then this pain would only be temporary. But the black cloud that hovered around
him made it difficult to see any light on the horizon. He saw only endless days
and nights, bereft of color, of joy, of love.
The shrill ring of the phone
cut through the thickening silence. An internal line.
Re-focusing his attention on the letter, he ignored it, and then again when it
rang five minutes later.
He was a coiled spring, a
cobra ready to strike when someone rapped on his closed door a few moments
later.
“Go away,” he called out
hoarsely.
Instead, the door cracked
open. “Dr Grissom?” a timid voice asked.
“What is it, Judy?” he asked,
trying to contain his anger. Even in his current mood, he knew it would be
wrong to lash out at her.
“Mr. Ecklie has been looking
for you, sir,” she replied, remaining on the outside of the door, afraid to
venture in. “He says he’s been calling you.”
He grunted in reply, not
caring.
“He asked me to tell you that
he wants to see you in his office. That he’s waiting for you.”
“Let him wait.”
An hour later, Ecklie
apparently could wait no longer. Storming into Grissom’s office, he found the
supervisor of the grave shift reclining back in his chair, pinching the bridge
of his nose.
“What the hell’s going on,
Gil?”
Grissom addressed the
interloper without opening his eyes.
“In
what sense, Conrad? What the hell’s going on in the world in
general? In this city? In the lab
perhaps? Or were you referring to something more specific?”
Ecklie was nonplussed. “Good
to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”
Bizarrely, this seemed to
tickle the bearded scientist. “Humor,” he chuckled quietly to himself.
“Didn’t Judy tell you I was
waiting to see you in my office?”
“She did.”
Realizing he was getting no
where fast, Ecklie moved to the empty chair in front of Grissom’s desk and sat
down.
“I saw Catherine. She says you
handed off the shift to her tonight.”
Still reclining in his chair,
Grissom nodded almost imperceptibly. “That’s right.”
The other man’s nonchalance
was beginning to grate on the Lab Director’s nerves. “And don’t think I don’t
know about your disappearing act last night. This isn’t a hotel, Gil.”
Still he did not move. “I’m well
aware of that, Conrad.”
“Are you going to give me an
explanation?”
Finally, Grissom took his hand
away from his face and looked at the other man. “I went to see Sara.”
“Ah.”
“Ah,” Grissom repeated. “She’s
gone. Left town. You must be so relieved.”
“Gil…”
Grissom sat forward, lacing
his fingers together, regarding Ecklie like a bug under his microscope.
“What? What’s your excuse? It
was for the good of the lab? The good of my career?”
“It was her choice.”
The disgust was obvious on
Grissom’s face. “You didn’t give her much of a choice, though, did you? Sara
left because she’s a decent human being. Because the thought
of hurting me or my career was too much for her to bear. She left
because she didn’t think she had any choices left open to her. She’s a better
person than you could ever dream of being, Conrad, and you made her believe I’d
hate her if she stayed.”
Ecklie sneered. “Like it would have worked out anyway, Gil. You’re married
to your work. You’re even more of a workaholic than I am. And Sidle is a
ticking clock, just waiting to go off. She’s unstable and reckless. It was only
a matter of time before she completely lost it. I have sympathy for her
background and the conditions she faced growing up, but I will not sacrifice
the integrity of this lab out of pity.”
Grissom rose to his feet. “Her
past is what makes her such a damn
good CSI. She’s driven and talented and completely focused on getting justice
for the victims that pass through these walls. And if you don’t think that is
something this lab needs, then you’re even more of an idiot than I gave you
credit for.”
The other man gritted his
teeth to prevent a biting comeback to the last remark escaping his mouth.
Instead he stood up, holding up his hands to placate Grissom.
“Look, she decided to go. It’s
over and done with. Now we can move on.” The man’s unctuous tone made Grissom’s
teeth ache as he continued. “The upshot is your name’s been cleared. And with
Sidle gone, there should be no further repercussions on your career. I know you Gil. I a couple of weeks, with
a couple new experiments running; all of this will seem like a bad dream.”
“You don’t know me, Conrad,”
Grissom snapped. “God, I’ve been so pathetic for so many years, haven’t I? Hiding away here in the lab instead of actually having a life.
Do you really think I could go back to that, just because she’s gone?”
Ecklie sighed. “Look, Grissom…
maybe take some time and…”
“I don’t need time, Ecklie,”
he replied, taking his lab ID out of his pocket. He looked at the picture,
running his fingers over the words Gil
Grissom, Night-Shift Supervisor. Feeling now that it simply wasn’t who he
was anymore.
Finally, he threw it down onto
the desk in front of Ecklie.
“I quit.”
And with that, he picked up
his jacket and walked out the door, before the director could utter another
word.
As he made his way down the
corridor towards the exit, Grissom felt oddly free, like a heavy weight had
been removed from his shoulders. He no longer knew what the future held for
him, but he did know one thing. He was starting to feel better.
---
Sara drove through the
unfamiliar neighborhood, knots of apprehension twisting in her stomach. She
almost turned back on more than one occasion, bile rising in her throat and
terror clutching at her skin.
Twenty-one years and still she
was not ready for this. Eight years as a CSI, facing the very worst crimes, the
most vile and despicable criminals. And yet, she had never been more scared in
her life.
She found the modest townhouse
without much difficulty and shifted her rental car into park without shutting
off the engine. There was still time. Time to call the whole thing off and
return, tail tucked neatly between her legs, to Vegas.
But it
would still be there, she told herself. It would always be there,
sitting in the back of her mind, ready to tear her down when she was least
prepared to fight back…
She had come this far. She
couldn’t run away now.
Turning off the engine, she
got out of the car and observed the house as though it were a crime scene. The
garden was small and neat, not much plant life as yet, as though it had been
neglected for a long time, but recently found and tended to again.
Taking a deep breath, she
moved away from the safety of her car. As she walked tentatively towards the
house, she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. Taking it out, she flicked it
open to see who had sent her a message.
I will
wait for you forever. Call me when you’re ready. I love you – G.
She was smiling now, his words
filling her, surrounding her and giving her strength. She moved towards the
house with renewed confidence, at last ready to face her past.
THE
END.
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