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First Date or Second Thoughts
Chapter Nine – The Long
Overdue Conversation
He watched her walk out
of sight and his heart sank. He had truly thought that tonight would be the
night. That he would finally be able to take the risk he had longed to take.
But, as ever, when faced with the prospect of getting everything he had ever
wanted, he choked. Why did Sara always have this effect on him? Why, when he
had so much he needed to say to her, he could never actually say any of it? And
why did he feel the need to sit here and rationalise, instead of going after
what he wanted?
Without pausing to
think any more about it, Grissom threw some cash on the table for the bill,
grabbed his jacket and followed her. Sara had walked quickly and he didn’t
catch up with her until she was at her car.
‘Sara. Wait.’
Sara paused at her car
door. ‘I don’t want to hear it, Grissom. You’ve disappointed me for the last
time.’
Don’t think, he told himself. Just spit it out.
‘Damn it Sara! You
expect too much of me. Why do you feel the need to place me on this pedestal, only
to be surprised when I topple off?’
‘What? I don’t…’
‘Come on, Sara. What
else can you call it? Why else do you get so upset when I show my human
failings? I screw up, just like everyone else at some point or another. I have
a tendency to choke up when you confront me about… about our personal
relationship. I don’t always say what needs to be said. But that doesn’t mean
that I don’t care about you.’
Not trusting herself to
turn around, she waited.
Grissom sighed. ‘It’s never been about you not being worth the risk.’
He paused. When he
didn’t continue, Sara spoke up.
‘So, what is it about,
then?’
‘There’s just so much
at stake,’ he told her quietly. ‘For both of us. And
it frightens me. I’m scared of how much I might hurt you,’ he took a breath
before continuing; ‘and of how much you might hurt me.’
Sara turned. Her eyes
were bright with emotion. She didn’t say a word, afraid that saying something
now might break the spell. Grissom opening up to her was something she had
never imagined she’d experience. She wanted to see how much more he might
reveal.
‘Do you know how many
people in the lab have suggested that I am unfeeling?’ he asked her. She shook
her head lightly in response. ‘Everyone. More or less. Even Greg has said it at one time or another.
But when you say it… that’s the only time it actually hurts.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she
whispered.
‘No,’ he said, ‘it’s
true. Well, the way I act most of the time, you’d be forgiven for thinking it.
I have to be like that. I don’t know why. I don’t know how to be open with my
feelings like the rest of you. I… I don’t have the vocabulary. But I do feel things.’
‘I know, Grissom. We
all know that. It’s just… sometimes you hide your feelings too well.’
‘Have you any idea how
many first dates I’ve been on in my life?’ he surprised her by changing the
subject so rapidly. ‘I worked it out once. At least 10 times more than the
number of second dates I’ve had…’
Sara didn’t reply, but
continued to watch him, now with a mildly confused expression on her face as he
went on.
‘Only one in ten
becomes a second date. And of those, hardly any become a third. None, in fact, in the last 5 years.’ He paused, running a hand through his thick,
greying hair. ‘I’ve put it down to a number of factors over the years. The job, mostly. Getting called away half-way through dinner
to collect bugs at a murder scene does not impress most ladies. Then there’s
the fact that I’m not the most social creature in the world.’
‘We have that in
common,’ Sara retorted quietly.
‘I’m really bad at
this, Sara,’ he told her. ‘I’m not used to opening up, sharing my feelings. And
that’s what relationships are, right? Sharing feelings.
I don’t even share my feelings with myself half the time.’
He moved beside her,
leaning his back against the car so they were standing side by side.
‘On some level, I’ve
always known there was an attraction between us. If I’m completely honest with
myself, it was probably a contributing factor in asking you to come to
Sara nodded gently.
‘You avoided me the whole time were we working on that case,’ she said. ‘I
always wondered why.’
‘I had to, Sara,’ he
replied, a hint of pain in his voice from the memory. ‘Every time I looked at
her, I saw you. And that made me shrivel up inside. The idea of losing you…’ he
trailed off, unable to verbalise the pain he felt at that time. ‘When I
interviewed Dr. Lurie, and figured out why he killed
her, I… I think I kind of knew how he felt. In a way.’
He glanced at her. Sara
was staring at him intently, taking in his every word. He had to look away
before he could continue.
‘It was my worst
nightmare of how things would go if anything ever happened between us.’
‘You thought you would
kill me?’ Sara asked in a slightly sceptical voice. ‘Grissom, uptight you may
be, but I don’t think you’re really the homicidal type.’
He glanced sideways at
her again and shot her a chastising look.
‘Not the murder, Sara,’
he told her, ‘the events that led to it. Debbie broke Lurie’s
heart…’
‘By leaving him for a
younger man,’ Sara finished the statement, finally realising.
Grissom silently
assented.
‘Gris,
do you know how many dates I’ve been
on since I moved here?’
Grissom
though about it. He didn’t know and told her
as much.
‘Very few,’ Sara told
him. ‘I’ve only been involved with one person since I moved here, four plus
years ago. Do you know why that is?’
‘Is it something to do
with the fact that you max out on overtime every month?’ Grissom shot her one
of his half-smiles.
Sara smiled back.
‘That’s one reason. But the main reason is there’s only one man I’m actually
interested in becoming involved with.’
Grissom was silent.
‘This is usually the
point where you clear your throat, get awkward, I tell you to forget I said
anything, and you come up with an excuse to change the subject or leave the
room,’ she teased him gently.
Grissom reached out and
took her hand.
‘Don’t expect too much
of me, Sara,’ he told her, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. ‘I grew up with
the expectation that all relationships fail. I’m worried that I won’t be able
to change that conditioning.’
‘Grissom,’ Sara took
his hand in both of hers. ‘Nothing comes with a guarantee. But… unless we want
to end up totally alone, we eventually have to let our guards down and take a
risk.’
He drew her to him
then, wrapping his arms around her in a tender embrace. She buried her face in
his neck, taking in the wonderful scent that was Grissom.
‘I just need some
time,’ he muttered into her hair, his voice full of emotion. ‘I don’t want to
mess this up. You’re too important to me.’
They lost track of how
long they held each other, but it felt like the most natural thing in the world
to them both. When they reluctantly drew apart, Grissom tucked a strand of
Sara’s hair behind her ear and smiled.
‘So, this weekend, how
about I pick you up, take you out to dinner? Maybe out by
Sara’s brows knit in
confusion. ‘Uh, Grissom? Wasn’t this our first date?’
Grissom smiled and
shook his head. ‘Oh no. Our first date is going to be
perfect.’
THE
END.
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