First Date or Second Thoughts

 

Chapter Four - Recriminations

 

 

‘Could you leave us alone for a moment, Ms Willows?’ Elaine asked in a tight voice.

 

 

Catherine had realised that the best place for either woman was not the middle of a busy corridor, so she had hurried them into the nearest empty room, which happened to be the Layout Room. She was in the process of closing the door when Elaine made it clear that her presence wasn’t required.

 

 

Catherine hesitated. ‘I, uh… do you want me to stay, Sara?’

 

 

The brunette didn’t look at her, but shook her head. ‘No, that’s okay, Catherine. Go start processing the evidence. I’ll catch you up.’

 

 

Still unsure, she opened the door and left them to it.

 

 

Neither woman spoke for a moment. Then Sara cleared her throat nervously.

 

 

‘I always wondered if you knew,’ she said quietly. ‘But when I heard you were still together, I figured you didn’t.’

 

 

‘I’m not completely blind, Sara,’ Elaine replied. ‘I saw how you reacted to the photograph of me and Hank. I asked him about you. He said you were friends, but something in the way he said it made me realise. So I pushed him on it.’

 

 

Sara turned to face her. ‘I didn’t know about you, Elaine,’ she told her sincerely. ‘The moment I did, it was over. I’m so sorry.’

 

 

Elaine shook her head. ‘That’s not why I’m here, Sara,’ she told her. ‘I knew about the two of you two years ago. Do you really think I’d wait until now to confront you if it really mattered to me?’

 

 

‘Then why?’

 

 

A tear ran down Elaine’s face. She brushed it away impatiently. Clearly she was struggling to maintain a controlled exterior. ‘Is it your fault?’

 

 

‘My fault?’

 

 

‘I was talking to some of the other EMTs. Hank’s friends. They told me that it was your friend that killed him. Your gun. To get back at you.’

 

 

Sara was stunned. All the guilt she had originally felt, the guilt that Grissom told her she had to let go of, flooded back over her again.

 

 

‘That’s… it’s an open, ongoing case, Elaine. I can’t…’

 

 

Elaine’s calm exterior began to snap. ‘I am so sick of being told that it can’t be discussed. I need to know! I need you to look me in the eye and tell me whose fault this is!’

 

 

Sara struggled for composure. Tears of guilt and sorrow at this woman’s pain welled up in her eyes. ‘Hank was murdered by a psychotic woman who blamed me, as well as Hank and others in this unit, for what had gone wrong in her life. Someone she was obsessed with was convicted on our evidence and she wanted revenge,’ she said in a slow, calm voice. She tried to remain detached, like her training had taught her. Stick to the facts. Just the evidence.

 

 

‘How did Hank get involved?’ Elaine asked, confused. ‘He’s not a CSI. He shouldn’t have had anything to do with evidence in a criminal trial.’

 

 

Sara hesitated before giving an answer. The truth was likely to cause more harm than good. But after all this woman had been through, Sara couldn’t lie to her. ‘The nature of our… relationship… was brought up when I was questioned at the prelim.  There was a suggestion that Hank had manipulated evidence for my benefit. It was a baseless claim, just the defence team trying to tap dance around their client’s guilt. But Jill thought… She believed we had planted evidence. She was deranged. She used details I had told her in conversation to set Hank up and…’ Sara stopped short at Elaine’s wide, furious eyes. She had said too much.

 

 

‘You told her about Hank?’ Elaine demanded. ‘She only knew about him because of you?’

 

 

‘I… it wasn’t…’ Sara started to defend herself, but her own guilt stopped her. How could she honestly defend herself to this woman, when she believed in her heart that the entire thing was her fault? She looked the enraged woman in the eye. ‘If you need to assign blame, Elaine, then you can send it this way. I blame myself for everything that happened.’

 

 

Tears flowed freely down Elaine’s face. ‘You think that’s enough, do you? Accepting blame? We were going to get married!’ she started to scream, the fury that had built up for days finally finding an outlet. ‘He was the love of my life! And now he’s gone. And you as good as killed him!’

 

 

She launched herself at her, talking Sara by surprise. A fist drew back and punched Sara squarely in the face. Another hand grabbed her hair. Sara didn’t fight back. Dimly, in the back of her mind, she figured she deserved it.

 

 

Two strong hands reached in and pulled Elaine off of her. Looking up, and realising that somehow during the attack she had ended up sprawled on the floor, she saw Grissom restraining the grief-stricken woman.

 

 

‘What the hell is going on?’ Grissom demanded.

 

 

Drawn by the commotion, Nick and Warrick appeared in the doorway. Sara slowly got to her feet. Her rage spent, Elaine hung limply in Grissom’s grasp, sobbing.

 

 

Grissom glanced round at the two men at the door and steered Elaine towards them.

 

 

‘Guys, take her to the visitors lounge and get her some tea to calm her down,’ he told them. ‘Then escort her from the building.’

 

 

He watched them lead Elaine gently down the corridor before turning his attention to Sara who was standing, still stunned, in the middle of the room.

 

 

‘Are you okay?’ he asked, moving towards her. He could see her cheek and lip already beginning to swell. Gently he reached out and put his hand under her chin, lifting her head up to look at him. ‘We’ll need to put some ice on that.’

 

 

Averting her eyes, she told him, ‘It’s fine. Don’t worry…’

 

 

The words caught in her throat and Grissom could see the tears forming in her eyes. Before he could say anything, she was rushing past him, out of the room and out of sight, leaving Grissom to wonder what he’d done wrong this time.

 

 

---

 

 

He found her a short time later in the locker room, staring blindly at nothing. Grissom stopped short at the sight of her. She seemed utterly consumed by her desperation.

 

 

‘Sara?’ he asked hesitantly, afraid that she would again push him away. But she continued to just sit there, her eyes focused on nothing.

 

 

He tried again. ‘Sara?’

 

 

‘That was Elaine. Hank’s…’ Sara choked out.

 

 

‘I know,’ Grissom replied. ‘Catherine told me. She came to find me when she left you with her.’

 

 

‘Oh,’ was all Sara could say.

 

 

There was a lengthy pause, during which tears began to slide silently down Sara’s face. Grissom remained quiet, waiting for her to talk when she was ready.

 

 

‘I never even thought about her,’ Sara finally said, struggling to keep at bay the sob that was building in her throat. ‘She must be going through hell, and I never spared her a thought.’

 

 

Grissom sat down next to her, resisting the urge to put his arms around her.

 

 

‘It’s understandable, Sara. You’ve been through a terrible ordeal.’

 

 

‘That’s no excuse, Grissom. Elaine is going through a terrible ordeal and it’s at least partly my fault.’

 

 

‘’We’ve been through this, Sara,’ Grissom told her firmly. ‘You can’t keep blaming yourself for what Jill…’

 

 

‘I’m so selfish, Grissom,’ she blurted out, cutting him off. ‘I’ve been so caught up in my own self-pitying feelings, I forgot about everyone else. I’ve spent the past 24 hours stewing over what happened between us yesterday, instead of considering what you must be going through. I didn’t even ask how you’re doing.’

 

 

Grissom was momentarily stumped. ‘How I…? Sara, I…’

 

 

Sara realised he misunderstood her and jumped in to clarify things. ‘I mean, how you’re doing since… the shooting. It didn’t even occur to me to ask. What kind of person does that make me?’

 

 

The pain Sara was putting herself through made Grissom’s heart ache. He reached out and took her hand.

 

 

‘It makes you a very caring person who went through a trauma that she hasn’t been able to deal with yet. You have to stop being so hard on yourself, Sara.’

 

 

A strange kind of calm washed over Sara the moment Grissom took her hand. He wasn’t judging her. He seemed to understand. Her tears began to slow. Finally, when the sob welling in her throat had faded to a dull ache, she spoke. ‘So, how are you doing?

 

 

‘I’m okay.’

 

 

Sara turned in her seat so she could see his face. ‘How are you, really?’

 

 

Grissom sighed. ‘I don’t know, Sara. Like you, I haven’t even begun to deal with what happened.’ There was a short silence before he continued. ‘But I’m not sorry I shot her. Even if I’d killed her…’ he turned to meet Sara’s eyes. ‘Given the choice of killing her or letting her hurt you… there really isn’t a choice.’

 

 

‘You should never have been in that position.’

 

 

‘Neither should you.’

 

 

Sara sighed as if her heart was broken. A realisation had suddenly dawned on her. ‘I can’t go to Hank’s funeral, can I?’

 

 

Grissom shook his head, his eyes full of regret. ‘It’s probably not a good idea.’

 

 

‘Elaine hates me. Not that I blame her.’

 

 

‘She’s just in a lot of pain right now. Pain, fear of pain, it tends to blind us to reason.’

 

 

The tension rose between them, as both Sara and Grissom realised that he was no longer simply talking about the situation with Elaine.

 

 

‘Sara, about yesterday…’ Grissom faltered as Sara let go of his hand and got to her feet.

 

 

Suddenly feeling uncomfortable, Sara brushed the tears from her face. She had wanted to talk to Grissom about this before, but now she was apprehensive. She didn’t know if he’d say what she wanted to hear or not, and right now she was afraid to stick around and find out.

 

 

‘I should, uh, get back to work. Can’t have Catherine doing all the processing…’

 

 

She turned to leave.

 

 

‘Sara, are you sure you’re okay?’

 

 

She didn’t give him her eyes. She could lie better that way. ‘Yeah, fine. I just… you know me. Work’s the best thing for me.’ She continued towards the door.

 

 

‘Can we talk? Later?’ Grissom asked.

 

 

‘Uh… yeah. Later,’ she replied as she left the room, leaving Grissom to contemplate his hand, where Sara’s had been moments before.

 

 

 

Chapter Five

 

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